Mood

Greg comes home in less than a week. People have been asking me how I feel.

I feel elated and grouchy: floating-on-air kind of gleeful elation AND an intense grouchiness deep in my bones. Both at the same time.

I am happy that the end is near. Thrilled. Unlike last summer here in Park City--when I was facing a dismal, depressing abyss ahead of me--this summer I look forward to a snug, stable family life. This summer the future buoys me, instead of dragging me down. I am also, if I may admit it, proud of myself. Guess what. I can do hard things. I never knew that about myself. I'm kind of surprised to discover it. But it's a good discovery. I know I am stronger than I was a year ago.

I think I feel the way marathon runners feel that last mile or so--when they haven't yet crossed the finish line, but no matter how painful and exhausted they are, they know they are going to. A thrill, a flush of happiness, a rush of adrenalin. I really am going to finish. Alive!

I am also grouchy. Really really grouchy. I am impatient for the end. How can this year still not be over?? Except for when I'm not busy (so thank you to the friends and family and cousins who keep us busy), time has never moved so excruciatingly slow. I am also frustrated by my weaknesses. Yes, I can do hard things, but I can't do them gracefully. It's also never nice to have an audience when you are at your worst. (My poor mom: I'm pretty sure any illusions that her daughter turned out to be a good mom have been shattered.)

I am dying with impatience for this year to end. But I am also dreading what could be the worst part of all: reintegrating as a family of four. I know our family has some rocky moments awaiting us. Good thing I married the man I did. He can take it.

I can take it too.

And less than a week until we are together again.