Acceptance

This is probably the kind of thing I should scribble in my personal journal. But I don't write complete sentences in my journal. And I feel like writing in complete sentences today (except for the occasional stylish fragment), so here you go.......

I never imagined myself being a full-time stay-at-home mom. To be honest, I never spent much time imagining myself as a mother at all. But when I did, there was always something else in the picture too: like graduate school, teaching part-time, tutoring, writing professionally, anything. I could not wrap my mind around the concept of life without a paycheck, a report card, co-workers, or recognition. I could not imagine how motherhood could possibly fill all of my time. (For a while I was even "saving" graduate school for when we started having children, so I would have "something to do" with small children at home. Feel free to laugh! Fortunately, God nudged me to hurry up and start and finish before the arrival of my firstborn.) I also could not imagine that motherhood would be satisfying enough by itself--I would need my own accomplishments and contributions outside of my home, wouldn't I?

By the time our first baby was nearly arrived, I was well-positioned for a future of motherhood and meaningful part-time work. I had a few years of teaching high school on my resume, I was finishing up a master's degree in English, and I had taken a position at a community college. I looked forward to a life of leaving the kids a few times a week to teach a class or two at local community colleges or even universities. We were moving to Turkey, and I was delighted to learn that a University of Maryland extension program offered classes on the military base, including composition classes I would be qualified to teach! This was all going to work out perfectly...

And then David entered our lives.

I don't want this post to about how difficult my firstborn child was (is). That wouldn't be fair. As those of you who have been around him know, he is a sweet and charming and imaginative and good-natured boy. But he is also EXHAUSTING, as those of you who have been around him for very long know. For reasons I am not going to explain right now, David has been challenging from the very beginning.

I was so overwhelmed when David was a baby. (Did I mention he was a challenge from the beginning?) It was a struggle just to answer my email occasionally and make it to the gym a few times a week. There was no way I could handle the workload of a composition class. (All of those papers to grade!! I guess I should have chosen to teach a subject where the answers are all multiple-choice.) But my life was filled with friends and adventures and travel-galore. Life was not perfect, but it was good. It was full. Besides, I could always teach again in Ohio...

Soon after we moved to Ohio, Mary joined our family. So did post-partum depression (to eventually be replaced with a lovely anxiety disorder). I knew the local community college was always looking for composition instructors. But the thought of leaving my sweet baby girl to go explain what a comma slice is made my stomach turn. It was also during this time that I realized that I am not an energetic, dynamic, go-getting woman of action. I can handle a full plate. But I don't like an overflowing plate. And my plate is not very big to start with. I realized that I do not like to multi-task. I don't like a million different things going on in my life. I did not want my stacks of diapers getting mixed up with stacks of graded essays. Besides, having two kids had knocked me off my rocker--I was in no state to take on more responsibility. But just another year or two and I would be teaching again or back to researching Beckett, right?

When the opportunity presented itself for Greg to go get a PhD (which is what he'll be doing when he is finished with his assignment in Honduras), I thought, "This is it! My chance to return to the real world." We would be in an academic environment, at a big university, perhaps with "feeder" two-year colleges nearby. There would undoubtedly be opportunities to teach or study. Now, I knew Greg would be super busy completing an entire PhD program in three years. But even a super busy academic life can entail a more flexible schedule than an Air Force civil engineer's normal work life. I was feeling very optimistic that soon I would have something else meaningful in my life: That I would be able to take on some outside responsibilities, and that our family would be able to accommodate it.

But I recently realized that there has been a change happening inside me. A little miracle. Slowly, gradually, almost imperceptibly. My desire to teach has been fading away. (Or maybe it's that I can see reality more clearly: Teaching English well is a ton of work...with a measly paycheck...and with a family to care for too...well, the equation has definitely changed.) I've found myself less anxious about when I'll go back to work or how I might go back to school. Before, this was a constant underlying stress. I felt like I was in a hurry. That I had to be in a hurry. I couldn't let too many years pass! But now my Utah and Delaware teaching certificates have expired. My GRE scores are too old. And those who would write me letters of recommendation are getting farther and farther away in space and time. And I am (remarkably) okay with it.

Because my work right now is to mother my children.

I think I am okay with that. (That's the miracle part!) You see, the next few years of David's life are going to be really hard. David is an extraordinary boy. But his talents are not of the sort that lead to easy success in early elementary school. Recently God has been tutoring me in being David's mom. He has helped me understand how David's mind works. He has been teaching me about his strengths and weaknesses. He has finally helped me see and explain what that something is about David--that something that I couldn't pinpoint, but led us to early intervention programs and visits with a developmental pediatrician and lots and lots of worrying, despite David's natural ability to thrive. I knew there was something different about him, some explanation for how challenging and exhausting he was. Now I am finally understanding David better and appreciating him so much more. There is great peace that comes from the empathy with which God has blessed me. But I also see what the future holds, especially the next few years. David is special, and God has sent him to me. He is my responsibility, my work. Because of the struggles David is bound to have, he will need me to be there a hundred percent.

So my other plans I am setting aside. For years. Thirty-two isn't that old, right? I can trust that God will take care of me and provide me with other fulfilling opportunities when the time is right. For now, God has asked me to focus on my young children. It will not be easy. I will often fail to be the mother my children need. But God has entrusted me with this responsibility, so I can trust Him to help me.

I accept what God has asked me to do.

Phew.